


Quiet

by Epi_girl



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, I know I said it was platonic but there's pining jerm okay, Jeremy-centric, M/M, Mind the Tags, Post-Squip, Repressed Feelings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, kinda short, this is both a vent fic and me craving jeremy angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 04:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12005088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epi_girl/pseuds/Epi_girl
Summary: There are things he tells Michael that he tells to no one else.But there are some things that not even his player one can ever hear.





	Quiet

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

After the Play, he doesn't tell the taller boy the things that flashed through his mind as the Mountain Dew Red raced through his system, forcibly erasing lines of code from the SQUIPs programming out of his head. He doesn't ever let him know that even as that supercomputer's control slipped, it made sure Jeremy would never forget it. And the things he'd seen because of it, in those last few moments of the SQUIPs terrifying control, were things his player one could never hear about.

For his own good.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

Some days, he can hear echoes of it's voice in the back of his head. Chanting all too familiar phrases over and over and over, like some sort of fucked up singalong. And sometimes it gets louder and louder until all he can hear is it's voice, and he keeps thinking _everythingaboutmeissoterrible everythingaboutmemakesme wannadie_ again and again until it shorts out and he's left alone with his thoughts and erratic breathing and the memories of it at the forefront of his mind.

He doesn't need to hear about that.

It's not that bad, anyway.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

Everytime he hears the word _chill_ , he has to consciously tell himself not to flinch. Mountain Dew, the name, the logo, the stuff itself, it terrifies him to see it. Baby clothes are just... uncomfortable for him now. The same goes for tic-tacs. If he hears an Eminem song, he's gonna start hyperventilating. It's just unavoidable. Seeing Keanu Reeves at any point fucks with his head and all he can think about is it and how it could be back and maybe he's not really rid of it and _oh my god he can feel the shocks again-_ -

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael. 

 

He forgets to eat a lot.

Jeremy's never been the most put together person, nor the best at taking care of himself, but it only gets worse after the SQUIP. Sometimes the thought of food will just blank out of his mind entirely until it's 8 pm and he suddenly realizes he hasn't eaten a thing all day. But some days, the worst days, he'llknow he hasn't eaten a thing since the day before. And he just... won't bother with food. 

He deserves it anyway.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

More often than not, he'll sit awake at night, looking out at nothing in particular, thinking about nothing, really, and waiting. Waiting for that now unfamiliar feeling of drowsiness to sweep over him and lull him into a land of quiet and recuperation, a place where he can just stop _thinking_ , at least for a little while. And if he's lucky, it does come.

Jeremy rarely has good luck.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

There's a vast network of scars that sprawls over his back and upper arms now, wide and all encompassing, a shiny, silvery, circuitboard-patterned reminder of everything that was wrong with him, everything that made him so worthless, everything that made him a _loser_. Everything that drove him to the SQUIP in the first place, that let him cut his best friend out of his life with little hesitation, that let him do such horrible things. The scars were like a spiderweb, almost. One glance at them and he was trapped in his own memories again.

He never really takes his shirt off anymore.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

There are days when he's alone in his room, and suddenly feels... _bad_. Wrong and sick and just bad. And the only way to fix it is to scream and cry and yell at himself over and over with harsh, biting words like _you're worthless, unlovable, everyone hates you, you're a horrible friend, you don't deserve Michael, nobody wants you here, just go away forever, do it you damn coward_ \-- and other days, where he feels numb and the only thing he wants more than to deserve his player one is to just be able to _feel_ again.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

Like how much he loves the other's smile, full of sunshine and love and trust in the world. Or how fucking cute it is when he starts to ramble about whatever thing he's interested in at the moment, whether it be video games, or music, or a stupid Tumblr blog. It was all amazing, if Michael liked it.

Or how much it hurt when he'd try to apologize for any number of things he'd done, and all he was met with was that soft and gentle smile and "I already forgave you." He wants to scream and shake the taller and yell that _no_ , he shouldn't just do that, because what he did wasn't okay and they both need to recognize that and talk about it, and they can't do that if all he'll do is fucking _forgive_ him when he doesn't deserve it.

But he bites his tongue and nods, smiling an altogether false smile.

It stings more every time.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

He doesn't tell him about Chloe, at the Halloween party.

Doesn't tell him that's his dad's never around anymore. He has no idea where he is or what he's doing.

Doesn't tell him when he's feeling bad for fear of being a burden on his best friend's life.

Will never tell him just how many smiles he's faked, how many laughs he's forced, how many times he's tried to fabricate a playful glint in his dull eyes.

He doesn't tell Michael about the SQUIP, never says a word about it if he can help it. Keeps the memories of shocks and cold words and fear of it's total control over him and _even what the damn thing looked like_ to himself.

His player one doesn't need to hear all of that, doesn't need to know how deeply that thing fucked him up.

He just doesn't.

 

There are things Jeremy doesn't tell Michael.

 

 

And what hurts the most is that Michael never seems to notice.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> That was pure angst and I'm sorry.


End file.
